Make our child want to cooperate rather than impose himself. Practical case

What if enforcing the rules while respecting our child was the key to positive upbringing? If we were to build a caring environment for our children, in order to to give wanting to play by the rules and cooperate, rather than using force, threat or punishment. The objective: “Nurture a relationship of trust with our child more than nurture a balance of power”. In short, we leave more room for the development of our child, and we build a daily life with fewer conflicts … Nice on paper, but not so obvious on a daily basis! What could be better than a concrete example to understand …

Testimony of a misstep in positive education

As with children, we learn from our mistakes …

The other day, I was in a bit of a hurry (as usual some will tell me…). As you have probably noticed, it is always at this moment that our children seem to do everything to slow us down. It was a Saturday morning, they were taking their bath and after 5 minutes, I said “Come on, let’s go, let’s go to the zoo!” », Thinking that the idea of ​​going to see animals would win out over the joys of water… I remove the cap, just to speed things up. And there, my daughter shines, even gets angry: “NO, you DO NOT remove the cap. I want to STAY in my bath !!! “. Wow ! When I thought the case was going to be closed in two minutes, I find myself in a bind. But in a hurry and clinging to my idea, I insist: “But we’re going to the zoo. It will be too good, it would be a shame to be late! “.

Nothing to do. As the water disappeared, the crisis swelled … Nothing was possible, let alone leave.

Positive pedagogy is already understanding when I myself am sometimes at the origin of the crisis …

Let’s take a few minutes to step aside and put ourselves in their shoes. If, while I was taking my bath quietly, my husband had disembarked to empty it and order me to get out of it immediately to go see some friends. How would I have reacted?

Or, imagine that we are having a tennis (or other) match. We almost won… And there, someone grabs us, lifts us up, and puts on our coat (Yes, a Giant!). We would scream, right ?! Well, for our child, it’s the same 😉.

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Why do to them what we wouldn’t like them to do to us?

It’s crazy, when you think about it, the number of times we behave with our offspring the opposite of what we would like them to behave with us! Ditto for the words we use. Imagine if your little angel told you “You tire me out”, “You’re really head in the air mom, one day you will forget your head!” “. Well, the bad (and the good 😉) news is that our children learn above all by imitation (see also “How to educate our children, according to neuroscience”). Our little ones look at us… before listening to us.

The best way: show him by our attitude how we respect another person, and among others, himself. Obviously, it’s very challenging and we’re not going to change everything overnight. But believe my experience, after having accompanied more than 15,000 parents through our coaching: our capacity for development is just incredible!

Being a parent is ultimately a wonderful opportunity to grow up yourself!

To avoid these conflict situations, it is best to warn our children in advance.

Just like we don’t like our spouse or others running into us and asking us to do something (or leave) THERE, RIGHT AWAY. We can start by warning our child so that he can prepare psychologically and organize himself materially. Our children also have their own desires, their own plans which do not always match ours.

Inform about the program and validate together

We complain so many times that they are not focused enough. Well there, precisely, they are passionate about what they are doing, and live intensely in the present moment. What a beautiful quality!

And besides, to warn our child, it is a good reflex in general, whatever his age, when we plan to move (and even when it is inside the house):

– Joy, I’ll let you play another 10 minutes and then we’ll go home. OK ?

It is also involved in small daily decisions (“Okay?”).

– But mom, I haven’t finished my castle!

– I understand that you want to finish your construction, you can finish next week when we come back if you want.

Show empathy to teach it

Overall trying to understand our child’s point of view, showing empathy means welcoming our child in his individuality (he has the right to have desires different from mine), while showing him through our attitude this that one would like him to have with his friends and others. Do we want him to impose his point of view on everyone? By really …

– But no mom, Alice will have put it away. I won’t be able to finish it.

Let’s try to take the time to really listen to him to take into account what is preventing him from cooperating.

– Ok, if you want, I’ll give you a few more minutes for you to finish your castle, but hurry up, okay?

Thus, our kid learns that if we can give him a little extra time, we do it. And the next time she is asked to leave, our child will know that we are doing our best when possible. In short, we are a team.

And with a teenager, it’s even more essential. Because the more our teenager will feel listened to and understood (and not a prisoner of his parent’s unilateral decisions), the more chances we have of escaping the ‘crisis of adolescence’, which is very often only a rebellion in response. to what he perceives as authoritarianism.

Because yes, in addition to preventing them, we maximize our chances of getting them to cooperate if we present things to them positively!

Encourage rather than sanction

For the little ones, who are very much in the present moment (and this is one of their strength!), Let’s make them want to take the next step so that they forget what they are doing. to give up. “Do you want to stay at the zoo for a long time to see all the animals?” Well then, we must not delay getting out of the bath too long, to have time to see them all ”. If I had formulated my proposal like this, I am almost sure that the crisis would have been avoided.

Of course, there are endless possible situations:

“What story would you like to read after the bath? Two stories? All right, but you don’t have to delay getting out of the bath to have time, okay? “

“We put this game away so we can start another” (very practical this one even with older children).

“We dress quickly, like that, we will go to the merry-go-round before it closes.”

The game as a transition tool

To go further and facilitate transitions, you can also use the game “Tchou, chou.” The train enters the station. Travelers are asked to dry off to reach the kapla tower under construction in the lounge ”. Find other tips in the Time to Play articles, to bring fun into everyday life!

Presenting things well makes all the difference!

Of course, we still have to find interesting things to offer … And without wanting to play politicians, the wording changes everything! It is not about threat or blackmail. Positive discipline also means avoiding sentences like “If you don’t get out of the bath now, you won’t have a story” where we fall directly into the balance of power, it is failure. assured!

Trying to stay in the positive and logical consequence, we could just say “The sooner you get out of the bath, the more time we have to read stories!” “. It doesn’t sound quite the same, does it?

Obviously there is a time for everything

Of course, it is not a question of using this method systematically. It all depends on the moment and the character of the child, but we have everything to gain from moving towards a more positive education with our children:

Let’s think about slowing down, anticipating, taking the time “to be with them”, to take an interest in what they are doing. Our adult lives are going at 100 miles an hour, and we often complain about it… Let our children have this pleasure of being absorbed, passionate about what they are doing. The famous “mindfulness”, so popular at the moment, our children practice it every day, what luck!

Let’s preserve this and act with empathy, flexibility, and positivism. Everyone will benefit.

We want to say thanks to the author of this short article for this remarkable material

Make our child want to cooperate rather than impose himself. Practical case

Red Hat Beauty